A year older

I've kind of missed having reasons to release my thoughts and emotions through writing...on my online diary (aka blog) :) so even though the dramatic part of our journey seems to be done for now (and hopefully for good!) I still plan to share my emotions for anyone who cares to keep up on them :).

I've still been struggling with how to keep the "bad news" of the chance of my cancer returning out of my mind. It's a daily battle. There's nothing wrong with the reminder of the "facts"...although I pray a day comes when I actually forget to think about it for an entire day! But I struggle with dwelling on it and letting fear creep in. It's robbing me of the joy God's given me. The victory God's given me! I know people always say you should live each day as though it's your last and I get that... choose your behavior with wisdom and love and don't waste your opportunities, but for me that also invites a sense of depression and fear and weepiness... so I'm trying to balance making the most of each day but without thinking I'm going anywhere anytime soon :). Honestly, it'd be a lot easier to face the unknowns in my future if I didn't have kids to worry about.
..... I know, I know... I don't have to worry about them.... (I can hear Jonas singing his song right now, "I am not worried!") God is in control and if my time comes He WILL take care of my boys and provide for them and all of that. I just hate the thought of it. I wonder if I should be journaling letters to them so that INCASE I pass from it coming back I will have been able to say the things I wanted to... but in doing that, I feel like I'm planning on my death! Ugh....the inner struggle is so frustrating. So..... that's what I'm dealing with and I'm doing my very best to remind myself of the fact that IT DOESN'T MATTER what doctors say. God will do as he pleases and I CAN trust that.

A verse that I've read and heard all my life suddenly took on new meaning in relation to what I'm going through. "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12
(did I already post this in my previous post? sorry if I did) I've been depressed in my hope for my future... fearful in my hope for my future... but God's telling me to face it with JOY! I feel like he's got a huge smile on his face and is telling me "don't forget what I just did for you! Rejoice! Be glad! Celebrate your future in me! I gave you a future! Stop living in dread of when your future will end!" and to be patient in affliction... I feel like I did that through the chemo stuff. but in a sense, to be patient with myself even now as I struggle with my thoughts and emotions and how to process it all. And of course, FAITHFUL in prayer! Our weapon! Our prayers ARE heard and ARE powerful and I don't want a day to go by when I'm not in prayer over my body, my family, God's purpose for me.

My mom pointed out a situation in the Bible that spoke to me too. The story of Jehoshaphat. I'm totally summing it up so you can look it up for more details and all of that :), but basically he and his nation were under attack by 3 huge armies. Realizing how helpless he was, he held a day of prayer in which God told him that he would win the battle without fighting. Without having to do anything! He trusted God so completely that he sent his army away and instead called for singers to go ahead and sing praises to God! And when they approached the invaders they saw that the armies had already killed themselves!
    So this is what I take away from it. WHATEVER your battle....the huge armies ahead of you (mine was cancer and is the risk of it in my future, threatening to bind me in fear)...could be your marriage, your finances, a habit you know you need to kick but can't seem to...depression, etc. We need to realize we ARE helpless without God's help. If we attempt to face the enemy on our own, we will fail. So we call out to Him in prayer! God help us!!!!!  We can't do this alone! (remember the verses that say "when we are weak, then we are strong"...his strength) so God steps in with his crazy ways of doing things :) (which is one of the many things I love about Him. He's unexpected and catches everyone off guard and yet ALWAYS comes through) he tells us, 'I'm going to win this battle for you. You don't have to fight or lift a finger.... all you have to do is show up. Face your enemy and worship me and trust me.'  So, we turn our eyes away from the numbers...away from the statistics...away from "reality" and look at JESUS. When we do, how can you help but praise him? Sing out to him! Cry out to him! LOVE ON HIM! Be reminded of how good he is! how he holds ALL authority over EVERYTHING! How one day every knee WILL bow and confess he IS God! (I feel as though even my cancer bowed to him!) and while we are focusing on Jesus and worshiping him, our enemy has fallen. Without us having to do a thing but trust in God. How beautiful is that?! And I can tell you it's not just some bible story. Not fantasy. At the beginning of my journey I felt in my heart so strongly to PRAISE GOD. Not knowing the outcome... but that I was to give him praises and keep my eyes on him. and my enemy was destroyed. Now I have to do it again... daily... with any fears, any struggles, any issues that come up.
I hope that encourages someone. It totally encouraged me.

And even though I know these things and feel reminded of it, I'm still crying every day at weird moments when fear gets the best of me. So I would SOOOO appreciate your ongoing prayers not only for my health to stay 100% but for my heart to truly feel the peace I know God gives. If I could just keep my focus! I do have to say though, this past week or so I have been SMACKED ACROSS THE HEAD with some form of a realization of who Jesus is. I know him and have loved him but it's as if I saw another glimpse of him (out of nowhere too!) and I have been SOOO in love! Truly, weeping at the thought of him (kind of awkward, especially with the episodes of the Bible playing and all :) Luckily Jonas has been the only one in the room with me when we watch those ) But weeping happy tears. Grateful tears. Just the fact that I know Jesus and I feel so loved by him but more importantly how lovable he is! I'm tearing up right now. (but then again, I do cry over everything).

It breaks my heart that there are people out there that don't believe you can know Jesus personally and can hear from him. YOU CAN! And that they've been mislead to think he's some religious figure we respect and remember but don't understand the real Jesus. His LOVING side, his playful side, his caring side, his protective side, his compassionate side, his healing, his wisdom, his bravery.... (sigh). I'm in love. Incase someone's reading this who doesn't know that kind of a Jesus (THE Jesus), just talk to him. Tell him you want to know if he's real... and genuinely mean it. He'll respond. Not sure how because, like I said, he's very unexpected :) but I'm overwhelmed with his love for us and he loves you and has a plan for YOU. has healing waiting for YOU. Has deliverance available to YOU. (sorry, not trying to sound preachy. Just can't keep this treasure to myself) :)

On a totally different note, I have hair! And I am officially now going out in public without a hat or scarf. I'm getting stares all the time, which is a little awkward.  But I wear my fuzz with pride :) A reminder of what I've gone through.

Tomorrow is my birthday.... 35! Normally I would be joking about needing to wear black in mourning of hitting that age :) (not to imply that anyone older than that should be depressed or feel old!) :) but I'm seeing this birthday differently. I'm THRILLED to be given the chance to turn 35. I'm thrilled to have the opportunity to AGE and get wrinkles! and to have achey bones! :) (remind me of that when I'm wrinkled and wobbling). I welcome losing my glow :) ( I tell that to Jonas all the time... I feel like I'm getting older and losing my youthful glow. My skin is old) but Im alive :) So it's a good birthday :)

I can't wait for Jonas' album to be done already! It's all recorded and I've heard unfinished clips which sound AMAZING but I feel as though every song on this album relates to our journey. Maybe I'm selfishly claiming it as my album :) but it's as though the songs have come alive and taken on meaning with what God's taught us and brought us through. I can't wait for you all to have a chance to hear it soon. He's only got a week or something like that left to raise the remainder of his money to be able to get the process completed (so that you all CAN hear it) :) so please pray for that to come in. If any are interested in donating to it go to his website www.jonaswoods.net and he has a link there. I'm so proud of him. Proud of what God's doing through his music and how PERSONAL this album is to me. I'm doing my best to be able to get to a point of being able to listen to each song without crying through it :). I mean, that'd be kind of awkward, right? We'd be on stage...him singing his heart out, and me next to him...holding a mic but sobbing with my ugly "cry" face, not able to sing a single note (and as he will tell you , when I cry, I sound like a yack giving birth...) . But it'd make for a memorable concert. So I'll leave you with that visual :).
Hugs to you all!
Becky

It's official!!!

After 6 long months I finally got the news I've been praying for... I AM NOW 100% CANCER FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's been an emotional day for me because I can still remember THE DAY I found out about my large tumor; can remember how scared I was; can remember the images I had in my mind of my babies growing up without their mama... I still cry every time I think of it. And now here I am, on the other side of it. Finally. Healed. Healthy again. PRAISE YOU JESUS! He had given me a peace in the beginning that I would be fine at the end of this and now I am :)

     But i'm just human. And just as I predicted, that feeling of fear of the future is creeping into my mind. My doctor I'm sure felt he needed to be honest and give me the truth about what COULD happen in my future but it sure didn't help me to hear it. I have a 50/50 chance of it coming back. (I don't like those odds). And if it comes back, I have to undergo an intense treatment of chemo that involves a stem cell transplant and it's risky and could be fatal. I think my odds of surviving that procedure would be above 50/50 but still.... a scary thing to hear about. And then he asks if we're going to go celebrate :) Instead I got into the car and sobbed! I'm sure my emotions are just a wreck, being a mixture of happy and sad, but it's so hard for me to feel like celebrating when I hear about what could happen. But how STUPID of me to be focusing on that and not on the healing God has given me!
One more thing that the doctor said that was a hard thing to hear... I was asking about what the process would be for us IF we decided we wanted to try for another baby someday (and I'm undecided on that right now) but he said his advice to us would be to consider that there is a possibility that I could always be in the unfortunate percentage and would we want to consider bringing a baby into the world if I have the chance of not making it. He was trying to be helpful, I know, in presenting all the factors and risks for our future and our decisions....but that was NOT a conversation I needed.
     So I'm needing a little bit of time to process this. I AM thrilled that I am healthy again :)! I THANK GOD I have more time with my boys and with Rob. I AM SO THANKFUL for everyone who's cared to pray for me. Instead of pretending the worst case scenario can't happen to me or won't happen to me, I want to be able to face that possibility but without fear. I want to be able to look the possibilities in the face and say with confidence that I still serve the same God and nothing is too difficult for Him. And His ways are bigger and better than mine. I can trust Him even when I don't understand why things go a certain way. And I know He loves me. But I'll be honest, tonight I'm struggling. Tonight I'm dealing with guilt for not feeling like celebrating just yet, dealing with fear of the worst case scenario, dealing with confusion as to why I'm going through this, and dealing with feelings of being overwhelmed. Once again I need to grab onto God's peace and NOT LET GO. It's a daily struggle to lay down my worries and anxieties and to keep my focus on Jesus and to TRUST.
      Why on earth was it so easy for me to have that peace and confidence when I HAD a tumor and didn't know the outcome...and yet now I'm 100%cancer free and I'm shaken because of the what if's in my future? How easy I can lose my focus. How quickly I can allow fear to rob my joy.  I KNOW that in the beginning I felt such peace because I had SOOOO many of you praying for me. So I'm asking you to PLEASE keep praying for me to continue to feel God's peace as I now walk into the unknown. :) And  OF COURSE please pray my family stays cancer free!!!!!!!!!
    No matter what we're all in God's hands. And it really does boil down to whether or not we trust God with our lives. No matter how scary circumstances get or how bad news can be, do we trust Him? Is He good or not? I believe He is. I KNOW He is.
    I'm sure tomorrow I"ll be in a better place...a happier place :). Because I do believe a celebration is needed! Again, thank you all for your prayers and for caring for us and sharing with us. I'm sure we'll continue to blog updates and random thoughts.
Including a picture of my last day at the hospital! (getting my paperwork ready to have my port taken out next week).

Long overdue but happy!

I just realized HOW LONG it's been since we've updated our blog. Sorry!

I'll be honest... I kept waiting for Jonas to write something because I found myself in a place of real discouragement and didn't feel like I had anything uplifting or helpful to write. I didn't want to come across as contradicting everything I had previously written.....but I was finding myself OVERWHELMED. Strange how I started out my journey full of peace and confidence and assurance (I'm sure also due to all of your prayers!!!!) but I'm ending my journey overwhelmed and discouraged. (or... I WAS feeling that way a few weeks ago, but I believe things have changed and my focus is back where it needs to be). I guess it started when I had heard the news about my mom. It was just one of those blows that once again reminded me that we are NOT immune to danger, sickness, etc. I used to feel SO naively safe from all harm until, of course, it hit me. And then my mom. (by the way, my mom is doing well. She had a successful lumpectomy and will be starting chemo possibly next week and after maybe 6 cycles will then have radiation. Pray, please, for her to not feel much pain with all the pricks of shots and chemo treatments. And that she'll also adjust well to losing her hair, which is never an easy thing to face.)
   Then it was as if every day we were hearing bad news....one after another...to friends and family. Cancer, divorces, health problems, death....I felt like attacks were flying at us and near us from all angles and I became so fearful! I was so afraid something else was going to hit my little family. I started focusing on all of the bad around me, all of the scary, negative news and I felt like I was sinking. I was an emotional wreck! And it was hard for me because I've never experienced that before in my life where I was so burdened by other's problems to the point where it was driving fear into me. I felt like I was losing my footing somehow and I felt so vulnerable. BUT! It's like the story in the Bible where Peter (I hope I'm remembering this story right) :) stepped out of the boat and began walking to Jesus on water.... but as soon as he took his eyes of off Jesus and on the "fear" of the water around him, he began to sink. That's what I was doing. I lost my focus temporarily and it sent me into a place I don't want to go again! I'm not sure if it's just me, though, because several friends of mine have also expressed this same problem lately of feeling overwhelmed and fearful of the bad news happening in their lives. So maybe it's not just me.
     I also was reading in Job and was reminded of a few things that really encouraged me. First of all, I guess I was needing assurance that there IS protection in God and I read in the first chapter where Satan was talking to God about Job and how there was a hedge of protection placed around Job, preventing harm to fall on him. That was so encouraging to me! If anything breaks through (or I should say, is allowed through) that hedge of protection, it's on God's terms! And then when I was reading about the bad news that Job was hearing...one horrible thing right after another.... his first reaction was to fall on his knees in WORSHIP and he PRAISED GOD! Which reminded me of that first gut feeling God gave me at the begining of all of this. I remember hearing that I had cancer and my first instinct was " I need to praise God."  Just as Job was feeling overwhelmed and discouraged by the horrible events that happened to him, his first reaction was the right one and somehow I lost that direction the past month. So I'm refocusing and trying to remember NOT to focus on the bad around me... but to focus on God and the blessings he's given me in my own situation. And to praise Him and know that I CAN trust Him even when I feel like I'm confused, overwhelmed, discouraged, etc.
 
Our good news is that I had my LAST SESSION OF CHEMO this week!!! It's done! I still have the lovely poison going through my body this month, so I don't feel any different, but I think it'll hit me that it's over with next month when I don't have to go back for more. I DO want to celebrate but I'm cautiously waiting for the results of my next PETscan in 6 weeks. And again, please pray that I don't have that haunting thought in the back of my mind that it all may come back. I want to say "I'M DONE WITH CHEMO FOR GOOD!" but there IS that small voice that then follows up with "but are you really?" It's hard to celebrate when you can't seem to shake that little voice. So I'd appreciate your prayers with COMPLETE health for the future (no lymphoma, no breast cancer since that's now something in my family history... etc) and no fear as I live out my life.

This verse was encouraging to me. "The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deuteronomy 31:8

Side note: For the past month and a half my hair has been growing back! About a quarter of an inch or so... I was so excited! and with the past 2 treatments it wasn't falling out! But... I've noticed with the last  and final treatment, it's starting to fall out again :(  I'm hoping it grows back quickly. And lusciously :)

Thank you for your continued prayer! I still need it :)
Becky

I've had enough of cancer! more prayers needed

I just got a call from my mom today informing me that she has breast cancer.

URGH! Now I'm on the side of stressing and worrying over someone I love dealing with this. It's different when you're the one going through it. I kept thinking "Thank God it's me and not anyone else in my family! I don't think I could handle the stress of it happening to a family member" but... apparently now I have to once again remind myself of how big God is and how he is still above cancer. My mind tries to panic me into thinking that breast cancer is so much more serious than my lymphoma, but nothing is too big or scary for God. God has been healing me of my form of cancer and he can do the same with my mom if he chooses, and I pray that she will FULLY recover QUICKLY! PLEASE pray with me for that. And for WISDOM for the doctors (one of her doctors had told her she could wait a few months to see if maybe her mysterious cyst area was cancerous or not and I'm SO glad she decided to go ahead and get the biopsy and not wait!) She says she's not afraid of cancer. And a lot of that has to do with me having gone through my journey and she sees that I'm fine and not as horrible as it could have been. Everyone's journey will be different but I'm glad she's feeling peace! That helps me feel peace. But she IS afraid of pain. She has a very low pain tolerance and is more concerned about the pain from surgery, procedures, etc... so as little as that might seem, please do pray that she doesn't feel that much pain. We've been SOOOO blessed with people who have donated to us and helped us cover our finances and bills due during our time, so please pray that God will provide for their EVERY financial need as well. It's never easy on a missionary's budget. I know they have a wonderful, caring church family that I trust will surround them and help them as needed just as our church family helped us out. And I thank you all in advance for covering my mom in prayers too! Man am I sick of hearing of cancer popping up everywhere! But God is still worthy of our praise. He can still make something beautiful out of this, even if we never see it. I trust Him.

I'm including a picture of my mom and I. (and Hunter)
- Becky

Good News all Around by JONAS

It's been a while since we've posted on here.  I'm sure that can be torture but truthfully life started to fall back to normal for a while.  Becky has been feeling really healthy lately.  She is still handling the chemo with relative ease.  She still has dizzy spells from time to time but only 4 to 5 days after her doses.  We're going into her 6th chemo session tomorrow. She'll have 2 more after that!!!! Wow, that's amazing how fast it has gone by.  Please continue to pray that she gets through these sessions easily.  We feel so blessed to have you all praying for us as we drudge through this journey.

THE GOOD NEWS is (insert drum roll).....Becky's last Dr. appt showed that she was 99.99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999%  CANCER FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  The Dr. saw some inflammation from the chemo.  He's confident that it is not cancer but he, of course, won't take any chances.  So she is going to finish out her schedule chemo sessions.  We are over the moon about this news.  It has taken such a huge weight off our shoulders.

NOW PLEASE PRAY THAT IT NEVER RETURNS.  This will be the unfortunate burden that we'll carry from here on out.

This past weekend we spent our Saturday night performing at a benefit concert for a family in need.  We had a blast performing and ministering to a full house at "the Stable" in Chelmsford, MA.  Turns out that the entire night was orchestrated by our friends Kurt and Stefani to benefit US!  What?!!!  I thought we were playing a concert for some "other" family.  Weird moment.  We felt so blessed.  Wow, we love you all.

Here are few little snipits into our lives here at the Woods house.  Hunter turned 5 years old the other day.  What an awesome milestone.  Becky and I are shocked that we have a 5 year old.  NUTS.   Liam has learned to kiss with his lips smacking.  It's adorable as he kisses basically everything now.  Becky's hair is working super hard to grow.  Despite the chemo Becky has almost one inch peach fuzz all over her head.  It's pretty funny how it's fighting so hard to grow.  She's adorable as usual.

I broke down after being pressured by Becky and the kids to buy Christmas deer antlers and a big red nose to go on our vehicle.  To be honest, it's hard not to want to crawl into a hole when I'm driving it around.  They love it though.  I guess it's all about the memories.  I'll certainly remember this one.  This one will be logged in my brain as "the year Dad was made to feel stupid."  MMMMMM, good times.

Thanks for your continued prayers as we get through this next season and into the Spring.  The Dr. told us that Becky would be good to start to tour again with me in March.  This is HUGE news!  Becky, with exception to a few shows here and there, hasn't sung with me for almost 6 months.  (Shameless plug)  help us find concerts so that we can hit the road hard when March rolls around.  We are back to music full time but need help to keep us there in full time ministry.  We're traveling with the kids.  We just can't wait.

Please have an amazing Christmas season!!!!!

JONAS

Petscan tomorrow!

This won't be long... just a couple thoughts.

Tomorrow is my next petscan, where they'll be able to see how much of the lymphoma is left. I doubt I'll know the results until next week but we'll keep you all posted. I'm really hoping for great news.

I've realized something about myself, though.... which may have affected why I was feeling so emotional (in my previous blog) about reaching my half way point with chemo. I think there's a part of me that's nervous to reach the end of all of this (all my chemo and treatment)... a part that doesn't want to hear that it's all gone and we're all done ONLY BECAUSE then starts the lifelong dread of waiting to hear if the cancer comes back. I know, I know... a twisted way of looking at the end of this. And pointless. And it only brings unnecessary worry and of course all along God is trying to teach me NOT TO WORRY and to put it all in His hands, so what good is choosing to take on the burden of fear and worry when I don't need to? But it was just one of those strange realizations I had about what I was truly feeling... I wasn't sure why I felt discouraged at my half way point and I really think that is a part of it. I want to celebrate (and I will) when I hear it's all gone (and it will be!) but then I'd appreciate the prayers to continue for my peace of mind to be able to live without worry and without constantly thinking of the lymphoma coming back.

But anyway. I've been feeling GREAT lately. Funny how I can feel so low and then the next day feel totally fine and normal. I'm sure thanks to prayers :) I'll admit I'm tired of being bald. It was kind of freeing at first and it's nice that I never have a bad hair day...but I'm kind of tired of feeling like an alien. I miss hair. (but watch, as soon as my hair grows back I'll miss the simplicity of being bald) :) I'll wear my wig occasionally and feel feminine and as soon as I take it off I feel like I remove my gender. It's weird. Poor Liam seems a little confused :) He sees me putting on and taking off my hair and I saw him the other day tugging so hard at his hair as if he was trying to take his off too ;) Too cute.

By the way, thank you to those who have left encouraging comments to our blog posts. We read all of them and they DO encourage us. We feel very loved by all of you.
Becky

Live Life -Jonas

Today we voted.  We did our duty as American Citizens and we feel great about it.  I'm really in love with my wife.  With everything that has been going on it has been hard to connect as much as we had hoped.  The kids are obviously a full time job.  Their growing up so fast and their interacting so much with us.  We both love it!  But...it does have an effect on our closeness.  I don't want to drift away from the love of my life ever again.  The harsh realization that came the night we discovered that she had cancer was that I needed to love better.  I've been working very hard on that.  We certainly have come so far to a place where we both are head over heels for each other.  It's kind of gross.  LOL  But the enemy wants to tear us apart.  We notice it here b/c we're in the middle of this crisis but every marriage is under attack.  Marriage was established by God.  It's an institution that is founded on the principles of God and His church.  Therefore we can only expect that the enemy is going to work hard on breaking it apart.  Looking at the statistics of divorce in our country shows that enemy has done a pretty good job.  We have been so stressed about our finances, even though un-believable gifts have been given to us. You know how it goes if you breath, LOL, bills just keep coming.  I do not want our petty, lack of trust in an amazing God, to un-hindge our relationship.  No matter where you are in your lives please don't allow your relationships to fail because of simple neglect.  Love is eternal and carries such weight.   Don't wait until you're brought to your knees by a scary situation.  You can love now, you can show your partner that you are not going to allow the circumstances of this life to destroy the institution that God established for your life.  You deserve JOY, PEACE, and LOVE.  Really living life will result in a change of your perspective.  It certainly has started to change mine.  Looking forward to hearing all that God is doing amongst you all.  I know He's doing something.

I say all of this to say...I love my wife. :)

-JONAS