Saturday, April 6, 2013

A year older

I've kind of missed having reasons to release my thoughts and emotions through writing...on my online diary (aka blog) :) so even though the dramatic part of our journey seems to be done for now (and hopefully for good!) I still plan to share my emotions for anyone who cares to keep up on them :).

I've still been struggling with how to keep the "bad news" of the chance of my cancer returning out of my mind. It's a daily battle. There's nothing wrong with the reminder of the "facts"...although I pray a day comes when I actually forget to think about it for an entire day! But I struggle with dwelling on it and letting fear creep in. It's robbing me of the joy God's given me. The victory God's given me! I know people always say you should live each day as though it's your last and I get that... choose your behavior with wisdom and love and don't waste your opportunities, but for me that also invites a sense of depression and fear and weepiness... so I'm trying to balance making the most of each day but without thinking I'm going anywhere anytime soon :). Honestly, it'd be a lot easier to face the unknowns in my future if I didn't have kids to worry about.
..... I know, I know... I don't have to worry about them.... (I can hear Jonas singing his song right now, "I am not worried!") God is in control and if my time comes He WILL take care of my boys and provide for them and all of that. I just hate the thought of it. I wonder if I should be journaling letters to them so that INCASE I pass from it coming back I will have been able to say the things I wanted to... but in doing that, I feel like I'm planning on my death! Ugh....the inner struggle is so frustrating. So..... that's what I'm dealing with and I'm doing my very best to remind myself of the fact that IT DOESN'T MATTER what doctors say. God will do as he pleases and I CAN trust that.

A verse that I've read and heard all my life suddenly took on new meaning in relation to what I'm going through. "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12
(did I already post this in my previous post? sorry if I did) I've been depressed in my hope for my future... fearful in my hope for my future... but God's telling me to face it with JOY! I feel like he's got a huge smile on his face and is telling me "don't forget what I just did for you! Rejoice! Be glad! Celebrate your future in me! I gave you a future! Stop living in dread of when your future will end!" and to be patient in affliction... I feel like I did that through the chemo stuff. but in a sense, to be patient with myself even now as I struggle with my thoughts and emotions and how to process it all. And of course, FAITHFUL in prayer! Our weapon! Our prayers ARE heard and ARE powerful and I don't want a day to go by when I'm not in prayer over my body, my family, God's purpose for me.

My mom pointed out a situation in the Bible that spoke to me too. The story of Jehoshaphat. I'm totally summing it up so you can look it up for more details and all of that :), but basically he and his nation were under attack by 3 huge armies. Realizing how helpless he was, he held a day of prayer in which God told him that he would win the battle without fighting. Without having to do anything! He trusted God so completely that he sent his army away and instead called for singers to go ahead and sing praises to God! And when they approached the invaders they saw that the armies had already killed themselves!
    So this is what I take away from it. WHATEVER your battle....the huge armies ahead of you (mine was cancer and is the risk of it in my future, threatening to bind me in fear)...could be your marriage, your finances, a habit you know you need to kick but can't seem to...depression, etc. We need to realize we ARE helpless without God's help. If we attempt to face the enemy on our own, we will fail. So we call out to Him in prayer! God help us!!!!!  We can't do this alone! (remember the verses that say "when we are weak, then we are strong"...his strength) so God steps in with his crazy ways of doing things :) (which is one of the many things I love about Him. He's unexpected and catches everyone off guard and yet ALWAYS comes through) he tells us, 'I'm going to win this battle for you. You don't have to fight or lift a finger.... all you have to do is show up. Face your enemy and worship me and trust me.'  So, we turn our eyes away from the numbers...away from the statistics...away from "reality" and look at JESUS. When we do, how can you help but praise him? Sing out to him! Cry out to him! LOVE ON HIM! Be reminded of how good he is! how he holds ALL authority over EVERYTHING! How one day every knee WILL bow and confess he IS God! (I feel as though even my cancer bowed to him!) and while we are focusing on Jesus and worshiping him, our enemy has fallen. Without us having to do a thing but trust in God. How beautiful is that?! And I can tell you it's not just some bible story. Not fantasy. At the beginning of my journey I felt in my heart so strongly to PRAISE GOD. Not knowing the outcome... but that I was to give him praises and keep my eyes on him. and my enemy was destroyed. Now I have to do it again... daily... with any fears, any struggles, any issues that come up.
I hope that encourages someone. It totally encouraged me.

And even though I know these things and feel reminded of it, I'm still crying every day at weird moments when fear gets the best of me. So I would SOOOO appreciate your ongoing prayers not only for my health to stay 100% but for my heart to truly feel the peace I know God gives. If I could just keep my focus! I do have to say though, this past week or so I have been SMACKED ACROSS THE HEAD with some form of a realization of who Jesus is. I know him and have loved him but it's as if I saw another glimpse of him (out of nowhere too!) and I have been SOOO in love! Truly, weeping at the thought of him (kind of awkward, especially with the episodes of the Bible playing and all :) Luckily Jonas has been the only one in the room with me when we watch those ) But weeping happy tears. Grateful tears. Just the fact that I know Jesus and I feel so loved by him but more importantly how lovable he is! I'm tearing up right now. (but then again, I do cry over everything).

It breaks my heart that there are people out there that don't believe you can know Jesus personally and can hear from him. YOU CAN! And that they've been mislead to think he's some religious figure we respect and remember but don't understand the real Jesus. His LOVING side, his playful side, his caring side, his protective side, his compassionate side, his healing, his wisdom, his bravery.... (sigh). I'm in love. Incase someone's reading this who doesn't know that kind of a Jesus (THE Jesus), just talk to him. Tell him you want to know if he's real... and genuinely mean it. He'll respond. Not sure how because, like I said, he's very unexpected :) but I'm overwhelmed with his love for us and he loves you and has a plan for YOU. has healing waiting for YOU. Has deliverance available to YOU. (sorry, not trying to sound preachy. Just can't keep this treasure to myself) :)

On a totally different note, I have hair! And I am officially now going out in public without a hat or scarf. I'm getting stares all the time, which is a little awkward.  But I wear my fuzz with pride :) A reminder of what I've gone through.

Tomorrow is my birthday.... 35! Normally I would be joking about needing to wear black in mourning of hitting that age :) (not to imply that anyone older than that should be depressed or feel old!) :) but I'm seeing this birthday differently. I'm THRILLED to be given the chance to turn 35. I'm thrilled to have the opportunity to AGE and get wrinkles! and to have achey bones! :) (remind me of that when I'm wrinkled and wobbling). I welcome losing my glow :) ( I tell that to Jonas all the time... I feel like I'm getting older and losing my youthful glow. My skin is old) but Im alive :) So it's a good birthday :)

I can't wait for Jonas' album to be done already! It's all recorded and I've heard unfinished clips which sound AMAZING but I feel as though every song on this album relates to our journey. Maybe I'm selfishly claiming it as my album :) but it's as though the songs have come alive and taken on meaning with what God's taught us and brought us through. I can't wait for you all to have a chance to hear it soon. He's only got a week or something like that left to raise the remainder of his money to be able to get the process completed (so that you all CAN hear it) :) so please pray for that to come in. If any are interested in donating to it go to his website and he has a link there. I'm so proud of him. Proud of what God's doing through his music and how PERSONAL this album is to me. I'm doing my best to be able to get to a point of being able to listen to each song without crying through it :). I mean, that'd be kind of awkward, right? We'd be on stage...him singing his heart out, and me next to him...holding a mic but sobbing with my ugly "cry" face, not able to sing a single note (and as he will tell you , when I cry, I sound like a yack giving birth...) . But it'd make for a memorable concert. So I'll leave you with that visual :).
Hugs to you all!