My struggles- Becky

I don't know what it is about the past week, but I'll admit I've struggled. I've felt a little more nausea this time around, although I wasn't sick or anything. I just had that constant gross feeling in my chest that made me JUST miserable enough to not enjoy my day. But honestly, when I think of how small that side affect is compared to what so many people experience with their chemo, I feel like a fool for complaining. But since this is my blog :) I'm going to be honest with what's been hard for me, regardless of how minor it probably is. And I'll be honest, I've had a tough week with not feeling great and then feeling almost depressed for no apparent reason.

I had a shot given this past week to help keep my immune system a little stronger since my count went down to zero last cycle. They warned me I could get flu like symptoms and maybe achy with the shot and honestly it's not been bad at all. I did have a few achy moments but nothing awful. It's just when the minor achy-ness piles up with the minor nausea I've been feeling, plus the lack of sleep, plus the emotional unbalance I've had lately...all at once! And let's discuss my emotional unbalance while we're at it. My poor husband.... I have been a wreck lately with feeling weepy for no good reason. I guess it didn't help that last night when I sat down all excited to have a night to myself and looked forward to watching Say Yes to the Dress that the episode was about the salon owner discovering she had cancer. I cried through the whole show. I think I was needing some kind of an excuse to release my emotions anyway, since so much of my time is spent with my kids and I feel I need to keep it together for them. Although, most of the time I don't feel like I have the need to cry. It surprises me with how the tears come so easily when I'm alone. So lastnight's girl night (Jonas was at a Chris Tomlin concert) turned out to be a rather depressing night of tears and puffy eyes and tons of kleenex. I slept horribly lastnight as well, not sure if that was due to the thoughts that started swimming around in my head after going to bed with cancer on my mind or if it was the steroids I've had to take... or the mild achy-ness keeping me up, but restless nights are miserable. Today I was so stir crazy and so tired of my routine.... I went up to Jonas and passionately expressed to him, "I am OUT OF MY MIND bored and it's making me crazy inside! I literally feel angry over how bored I am and I want to break into tears!" He just blinked at me with a very confused, concerned look on his face. Probably afraid of what my steroids would say next. :) So I got out of the house for a couple hours and somehow managed to find my happy self again. Or a somewhat happier version of me. I admit, I'm still moody and at risk of breaking into tears at ANY second over ANYTHING. Be warned.

Here's the thing. I KNOW that in order to keep the doubts away, in order to keep my mind from feeling anxiety, in order for me to avoid allowing depression sneak in, and in order for me to feel close to God and to be reminded of his purpose for me through all of this I NEED to be in His WORD! I need to be spending time with Him! But am I? Not like I need to be. I will try to dwell on the encouraging scripture that friends and family pass on to me but that's not enough. If I want to know Jesus better each day and feel his presence and feel like my focus is in the right spot and feel His peace, I need to stop giving my silly excuses (like being too tired, like being too busy with kids and babies) and start disciplining my time better and prioritizing my relationship with God! How interesting it is when a "tragedy" first happens to you how quickly you run to God and know exactly what you need to do, but then as time passes and things ease up and seem a little more normal, God starts taking a back seat again to life. I get so mad at myself every day for allowing this pattern to continue when I KNOW BETTER! It reminds me of one of the most confusing verses in the bible :) I'll just recap some of it:

"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.........As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no , the evil I do not want to do- this I keep on doing......" (Rom 7:15-20) And so on!!

I don't want to waste this time and this journey that I"m on. I want to grow and learn more about God and how good He is and what higher purpose He has for us through this. I want to be transformed and taken past my fears and doubts. I want to be an example to my kids of a GODLY parent that is always modeling for them a passion for Christ, even in my quiet moments at home and with how I choose to spend my time. So you can pray for that for Jonas and I. And please pray for my emotions to KNOCK IT OFF and return to normalcy :) so that I don't struggle with moments of numbness or moodiness. I want and need the joy of the Lord to fill me and I could use prayers for me getting my priorities on the right track again concerning spending time with THE SOURCE of joy.

 I thought once I reached the half way point of my treatment I'd feel thrilled but instead I almost feel overwhelmed that I still have all that time left to go before I'm done. And, I'm still trying to pray against the fear of it coming back. I KNOW people have encouraged me with how they had their cancer come back but fought it again and are now cancer free, but I DO NOT want to hear the word cancer again in my future EVER! I'm trying to give this worry up to God completely but it's hard for me.

Anyway. I'm starting to ramble. Thank you again for praying. I need it. This time might be more of an emotional struggle for me but I so appreciate your prayers for me feeling great and staying happy and positive.

Becky

Blessings

I apologize for us not keeping up that well with the blog for those of you who check it regularly. (I'm assuming someone reads this blog still?) :)

I'm just having a good day and am so thankful for all of God's blessings. Jonas and I were talking lastnight about how God has gone above and beyond anything we could have expected with providing for our every need. Before we even ask, it's provided! It continues to amaze us and to confirm to us that God has this all in His hands, it's all within His plan, and we are to just sit back and trust Him. And again, thank you to all who have given to help us out. It's humbling how God speaks to others on our behalf and to see such generosity and love as it's shared with us.

I've been feeling GREAT. I have nothing to compare it to in terms of what others with my kind of lymphoma or medications feel like... but aside from my dizzy days a few weeks ago, I've felt 100% normal. No weakness, no exhaustion, no dizziness... I feel SO blessed that God is helping me in that area as well. I start my 4th round of chemo on Tuesday and soon after I think I should have a petscan again to see the progress of my treatment.

Liam is starting to heal up. He still has a runny nose but he's back to his normal cute self. I avoided him as long as I could but a few days ago I couldn't take it anymore and had to start holding him again. And again, I'm amazed that I'm not sick! I had NO IMMUNE SYSTEM right when Liam got sick and then Jonas got sick! But God protected me and I'm fine! (as far as I know) :)

I'll leave with these verses:
"But you are a shield around me, O Lord; You bestow glory on me and lift up my head." Psalm 3:3

"But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you. For surely, O Lord, you bless the righteous; You surround them with your favor as with a shield." Psalm 5:11-12

"The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song." Psalm 28:7

Thank you to all who keep us in your prayers!!

Becky

Our Little Fella

Please pray for Liam if you would.  He's got a cold for sure.  He has a runny nose and a cough and unfortunately a temperament to match.  Because of Becky's low white blood cell counts right now she can't get sick, not even a little.  Her white blood cells help fight off sickness.  Without them, even the smallest sniffle can become a major issue.  Pray that God would surround her with His protection and that Hunter and I would steer clear from it too.  It'll be hard to do seeing as how I'll need to be with him and comfort him while he gets through this.

Other than that we've been relatively ok.  Still pretty exhausted and drained but Becky has felt ok for the most part.  Her dizzy spells seem to have calmed a bit.  As for the rest of us....we're hanging in there.  We're trusting that God would continue to provide and begin to reveal to us some of the "big picture."

Jonas

Feeling a little off today

Today was kind of a lousy day. It, of course, started way too early with our little one waking before 5am....but today for the first time in a few days I felt pretty light headed again and on and off dizzy. I assumed it was due to not drinking water yet so I filled up my water bottle and hoped that would solve it. We decided to try and go to an art festival since it was a nice day... we parked...walked forever to get to the location and then as soon as we start walking through the festival, I felt weird. I felt like I could very possibly pass out due to dizziness. It kind of freaked me out. We were walking so slowly.... I was holding onto Jonas' arm and yet I still felt like I needed to sit or risk falling over. (and I was still drinking my water!) Sadly, about 10 min after being there we decided to turn around and go home. Not worth it. I was so overwhelmed with everything to look at which added to the dizziness and after using the porta potty there, I knew I didn't want to risk getting more germs from all the bathroom trips I'd have to make (if I were to stay as hydrated as needed). So we headed home and I zonked out for a few hours. I think I over did it today with walking (even though it was just walking from our car to the entrance) but I'm realizing that my body needs more rest even though often I feel and look fine.

It concerns me a little, though, with how dizzy I felt today. I've been feeling great lately and haven't had any moments like that in almost a week and then all of a sudden I felt way off today. And it scared me. I just want to figure out WHY I'm feeling dizzy and like I could pass out so that I can avoid it! I'm drinking but that doesn't always seem to make any difference... maybe I need more snacks...maybe I need salt...ugh! I just want to feel normal again. I hate not feeling like I can be left alone with my kids incase I have moments like that. And then this whole day I've just felt strange. My insides are restless, I feel foggy and weak...reminds me of how I felt the first time I came home after my first chemo.

ALL OF THAT TO SAY.... please pray for me. Pray against my dizzy spells. Pray i never pass out again. Pray that this weird feeling that I can't describe (how I'm feeling right now) goes away and I can feel like myself again. And that I get the rest I need and all of that. I just pray that I'll be able to sleep tonight and tomorrow will wake up feeling great again.

Thanks :)
Becky

Note from Bec

Real quick I also want to say THANK YOU to everyone who's given to us financially and blessed us beyond what we could ever imagine! God has provided our every need so far and we trust he'll see us through the rest of the journey. Thank you to everyone who's praying! We all know that's where the real power comes from. And I want to say thank you (hopefully these ladies are keeping up with our blog!) to some people who have sent me letters with encouragement and scripture, who knit me a beanie hat which I love!, and who sent me beautiful earrings from their jewelry shop in Boston. You see, I had the letters and cards with their return addresses set in a place that I thought was safe...however... someone who will remain nameless thought it was trash and threw those names and addresses away! So I have no way of thanking you ladies for those gifts unless you happen to read this.

Also, I had a doctor's appt today. They scheduled another echocardiogram? for me today just to make sure the fluid hasn't returned around my heart (they were trying to figure out why I might be having dizzy spells recently). And as far as the doctor doing the procedure, he said he didn't see any fluid there so praise God for that! And he said that the first time I came in my tumor was very obvious when they had done the first two echocardiograms back in August. But this time he said he'd try to measure it for me but couldn't even find anything on the screen to measure! That doesn't mean it's gone, but that's still an amazing thing to hear :). My next chemo is set for Oct 23 and sometime after that I believe I'm due for another petscan to see the improvement.

As far as the dizzy spells, I haven't had any in 2 days which is great... I've been doing my best to stay hydrated and I've been drinking gaterade as well. The doctor told me that in case it's due to low blood pressure or low blood sugar, the recommend for a little while that I eat saltier things and maybe increase my sugar intake slightly. :) I will gladly do that :)

I had chemo this past Tuesday and feel great. I'm not sleeping as soundly, mainly due to my disgustingly awful steroids that I have to take (seriously... my tolerance for them is fading and I'm finding it harder and harder to get them down due to how HORRIBLE THEY TASTE. I know that sounds silly but today I almost gagged one out, SO please please pray I can get through all these cycles with the steroids that I have to keep taking. I DREAD taking them).

Thanks again!

Cutting Teeth

You know what's really not all that fun?  When children, Liam specifically, cut their teeth.  To all of you non-parents out there, this is when our teeth grow in for the first time.  They "cut" through the gums.  Apparently this also means pain and fussiness.  Yay, for me.  :)  Right now the hardest thing for Becky and I is to maintain some sense of normalcy with the boys as we go through this time.  I'm home from working, which means I'm here a lot more than normal.  I have taken a few concert dates over the next few months to help pay for all the bills.

By the way, those of you who have given to Becky and I to help us pay our bills and cover medical expenses are such a blessing!  Thanks for stepping out and doing that.  It makes us feel so loved.  There's a lot to pay for yet but we're on our way to being able to get through this without going in the hole.  Thank God!

Prayer:  please pray that we have energy.  It's hard enough without kids.  With them...it's almost impossible.  Truth is, cancer or not, we'd be tired.  :)

We love you all!

Jonas