I don't know what it is about the past week, but I'll admit I've struggled. I've felt a little more nausea this time around, although I wasn't sick or anything. I just had that constant gross feeling in my chest that made me JUST miserable enough to not enjoy my day. But honestly, when I think of how small that side affect is compared to what so many people experience with their chemo, I feel like a fool for complaining. But since this is my blog :) I'm going to be honest with what's been hard for me, regardless of how minor it probably is. And I'll be honest, I've had a tough week with not feeling great and then feeling almost depressed for no apparent reason.
I had a shot given this past week to help keep my immune system a little stronger since my count went down to zero last cycle. They warned me I could get flu like symptoms and maybe achy with the shot and honestly it's not been bad at all. I did have a few achy moments but nothing awful. It's just when the minor achy-ness piles up with the minor nausea I've been feeling, plus the lack of sleep, plus the emotional unbalance I've had lately...all at once! And let's discuss my emotional unbalance while we're at it. My poor husband.... I have been a wreck lately with feeling weepy for no good reason. I guess it didn't help that last night when I sat down all excited to have a night to myself and looked forward to watching Say Yes to the Dress that the episode was about the salon owner discovering she had cancer. I cried through the whole show. I think I was needing some kind of an excuse to release my emotions anyway, since so much of my time is spent with my kids and I feel I need to keep it together for them. Although, most of the time I don't feel like I have the need to cry. It surprises me with how the tears come so easily when I'm alone. So lastnight's girl night (Jonas was at a Chris Tomlin concert) turned out to be a rather depressing night of tears and puffy eyes and tons of kleenex. I slept horribly lastnight as well, not sure if that was due to the thoughts that started swimming around in my head after going to bed with cancer on my mind or if it was the steroids I've had to take... or the mild achy-ness keeping me up, but restless nights are miserable. Today I was so stir crazy and so tired of my routine.... I went up to Jonas and passionately expressed to him, "I am OUT OF MY MIND bored and it's making me crazy inside! I literally feel angry over how bored I am and I want to break into tears!" He just blinked at me with a very confused, concerned look on his face. Probably afraid of what my steroids would say next. :) So I got out of the house for a couple hours and somehow managed to find my happy self again. Or a somewhat happier version of me. I admit, I'm still moody and at risk of breaking into tears at ANY second over ANYTHING. Be warned.
Here's the thing. I KNOW that in order to keep the doubts away, in order to keep my mind from feeling anxiety, in order for me to avoid allowing depression sneak in, and in order for me to feel close to God and to be reminded of his purpose for me through all of this I NEED to be in His WORD! I need to be spending time with Him! But am I? Not like I need to be. I will try to dwell on the encouraging scripture that friends and family pass on to me but that's not enough. If I want to know Jesus better each day and feel his presence and feel like my focus is in the right spot and feel His peace, I need to stop giving my silly excuses (like being too tired, like being too busy with kids and babies) and start disciplining my time better and prioritizing my relationship with God! How interesting it is when a "tragedy" first happens to you how quickly you run to God and know exactly what you need to do, but then as time passes and things ease up and seem a little more normal, God starts taking a back seat again to life. I get so mad at myself every day for allowing this pattern to continue when I KNOW BETTER! It reminds me of one of the most confusing verses in the bible :) I'll just recap some of it:
"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.........As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no , the evil I do not want to do- this I keep on doing......" (Rom 7:15-20) And so on!!
I don't want to waste this time and this journey that I"m on. I want to grow and learn more about God and how good He is and what higher purpose He has for us through this. I want to be transformed and taken past my fears and doubts. I want to be an example to my kids of a GODLY parent that is always modeling for them a passion for Christ, even in my quiet moments at home and with how I choose to spend my time. So you can pray for that for Jonas and I. And please pray for my emotions to KNOCK IT OFF and return to normalcy :) so that I don't struggle with moments of numbness or moodiness. I want and need the joy of the Lord to fill me and I could use prayers for me getting my priorities on the right track again concerning spending time with THE SOURCE of joy.
I thought once I reached the half way point of my treatment I'd feel thrilled but instead I almost feel overwhelmed that I still have all that time left to go before I'm done. And, I'm still trying to pray against the fear of it coming back. I KNOW people have encouraged me with how they had their cancer come back but fought it again and are now cancer free, but I DO NOT want to hear the word cancer again in my future EVER! I'm trying to give this worry up to God completely but it's hard for me.
Anyway. I'm starting to ramble. Thank you again for praying. I need it. This time might be more of an emotional struggle for me but I so appreciate your prayers for me feeling great and staying happy and positive.