Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Petscan tomorrow!

This won't be long... just a couple thoughts.

Tomorrow is my next petscan, where they'll be able to see how much of the lymphoma is left. I doubt I'll know the results until next week but we'll keep you all posted. I'm really hoping for great news.

I've realized something about myself, though.... which may have affected why I was feeling so emotional (in my previous blog) about reaching my half way point with chemo. I think there's a part of me that's nervous to reach the end of all of this (all my chemo and treatment)... a part that doesn't want to hear that it's all gone and we're all done ONLY BECAUSE then starts the lifelong dread of waiting to hear if the cancer comes back. I know, I know... a twisted way of looking at the end of this. And pointless. And it only brings unnecessary worry and of course all along God is trying to teach me NOT TO WORRY and to put it all in His hands, so what good is choosing to take on the burden of fear and worry when I don't need to? But it was just one of those strange realizations I had about what I was truly feeling... I wasn't sure why I felt discouraged at my half way point and I really think that is a part of it. I want to celebrate (and I will) when I hear it's all gone (and it will be!) but then I'd appreciate the prayers to continue for my peace of mind to be able to live without worry and without constantly thinking of the lymphoma coming back.

But anyway. I've been feeling GREAT lately. Funny how I can feel so low and then the next day feel totally fine and normal. I'm sure thanks to prayers :) I'll admit I'm tired of being bald. It was kind of freeing at first and it's nice that I never have a bad hair day...but I'm kind of tired of feeling like an alien. I miss hair. (but watch, as soon as my hair grows back I'll miss the simplicity of being bald) :) I'll wear my wig occasionally and feel feminine and as soon as I take it off I feel like I remove my gender. It's weird. Poor Liam seems a little confused :) He sees me putting on and taking off my hair and I saw him the other day tugging so hard at his hair as if he was trying to take his off too ;) Too cute.

By the way, thank you to those who have left encouraging comments to our blog posts. We read all of them and they DO encourage us. We feel very loved by all of you.

1 comment:

  1. Becky,
    We are praying for you today as you have your scan, and we will continue to keep you in our prayers. So hard sometimes to not wait for the 'other shoe' to drop....
    Worry is an ugly beast...I battle it too. I think that the most important thing is that you are real with yourself and your struggles - most people never even are willing to see their struggles in a clear light or acknowledge them and ask for help with them.
    We will pray that God will ease your worry and give you all peace.
    As for Jonas....what a great post about loving NOW and caring for your relationship before it takes a tragedy or a big glaring crisis to wake you up to it. Couldn't have said it better.....
    Thanks for the reminder.
    Love in Christ,