But i'm just human. And just as I predicted, that feeling of fear of the future is creeping into my mind. My doctor I'm sure felt he needed to be honest and give me the truth about what COULD happen in my future but it sure didn't help me to hear it. I have a 50/50 chance of it coming back. (I don't like those odds). And if it comes back, I have to undergo an intense treatment of chemo that involves a stem cell transplant and it's risky and could be fatal. I think my odds of surviving that procedure would be above 50/50 but still.... a scary thing to hear about. And then he asks if we're going to go celebrate :) Instead I got into the car and sobbed! I'm sure my emotions are just a wreck, being a mixture of happy and sad, but it's so hard for me to feel like celebrating when I hear about what could happen. But how STUPID of me to be focusing on that and not on the healing God has given me!
One more thing that the doctor said that was a hard thing to hear... I was asking about what the process would be for us IF we decided we wanted to try for another baby someday (and I'm undecided on that right now) but he said his advice to us would be to consider that there is a possibility that I could always be in the unfortunate percentage and would we want to consider bringing a baby into the world if I have the chance of not making it. He was trying to be helpful, I know, in presenting all the factors and risks for our future and our decisions....but that was NOT a conversation I needed.
So I'm needing a little bit of time to process this. I AM thrilled that I am healthy again :)! I THANK GOD I have more time with my boys and with Rob. I AM SO THANKFUL for everyone who's cared to pray for me. Instead of pretending the worst case scenario can't happen to me or won't happen to me, I want to be able to face that possibility but without fear. I want to be able to look the possibilities in the face and say with confidence that I still serve the same God and nothing is too difficult for Him. And His ways are bigger and better than mine. I can trust Him even when I don't understand why things go a certain way. And I know He loves me. But I'll be honest, tonight I'm struggling. Tonight I'm dealing with guilt for not feeling like celebrating just yet, dealing with fear of the worst case scenario, dealing with confusion as to why I'm going through this, and dealing with feelings of being overwhelmed. Once again I need to grab onto God's peace and NOT LET GO. It's a daily struggle to lay down my worries and anxieties and to keep my focus on Jesus and to TRUST.
Why on earth was it so easy for me to have that peace and confidence when I HAD a tumor and didn't know the outcome...and yet now I'm 100%cancer free and I'm shaken because of the what if's in my future? How easy I can lose my focus. How quickly I can allow fear to rob my joy. I KNOW that in the beginning I felt such peace because I had SOOOO many of you praying for me. So I'm asking you to PLEASE keep praying for me to continue to feel God's peace as I now walk into the unknown. :) And OF COURSE please pray my family stays cancer free!!!!!!!!!
No matter what we're all in God's hands. And it really does boil down to whether or not we trust God with our lives. No matter how scary circumstances get or how bad news can be, do we trust Him? Is He good or not? I believe He is. I KNOW He is.
I'm sure tomorrow I"ll be in a better place...a happier place :). Because I do believe a celebration is needed! Again, thank you all for your prayers and for caring for us and sharing with us. I'm sure we'll continue to blog updates and random thoughts.
Including a picture of my last day at the hospital! (getting my paperwork ready to have my port taken out next week).
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