I just now read what Jonas wrote as his last blog...sigh....I have tears in my eyes. But sadly I, too, had felt that same thing with him. I didn't know how much I loved him until all of this happened. I had such a bitter view on things...focused on failures all the time...kept thinking of what I WISH he would be doing instead of appreciating the person he WAS being. We must have kind of lost our way a little bit within our relationship. Not that it was bad!! But we were in such a rut I think...we didn't even know we were missing out! So I,too, thank God for allowing this trial to open our eyes to each other again. The fact that I can fall in love with my husband again after 11 years... and learn things about him I never knew existed is exciting! And thank God we are discovering this now while our kids are young so we can model for them a truly, appreciative, loving couple and hopefully that they will learn to trust God through all trials. With a joyful heart too.
But that's not what I was going to write about tonight :). Today was kind of an emotionally tough day for me and as always, I could use your continued prayers. Physically I've been feeling great lately!! 100% me! Full of energy... loving it! But even though I feel great, my blood count is low today and I've been told to stay home for a few days and avoid people/crowds since I'm so susceptible to germs and infections right now. Bummer. But I had a doctor's appointment today and although Jonas left feeling it was a good meeting, I left freaked out. (which is where your prayers can help me out) :). I found out that the PETscan revealed some cancerous spots in my nodes in my throat and some in my lung as well as the mass I knew about in the sternum area. Just knowing it's IN my lung... spread some in my throat... not comforting!! (it's not lung cancer, still lymphoma... still stage 4...still treated same way) But they said because it's not in just once location, I have a higher chance of it coming back after remission and treatment. And that if that happens the prognosis isn't that good. (at least I think that's what the guy said). So of course, little worry wart me freaks out about how i may make it through this trial (I WILL make it through this trial) but what if only to find out in a few years it's back and I have to go through this all over again...and what if my body is too weak to do it again? How can I live my life always in fear that it could reappear? (all questions that I find myself worrying over, but in my heart I know I just need to trust God) I asked them what the percentage was of someone like me having it come back again in the future but as they're doing the numbers and sharing the studies with me and giving their medical opinion, I realized what a silly question that can be. Because it doesn't matter what the numbers are. I know God is bigger and can do WHATEVER he wants. They could tell me it's terminal cancer... yet God is bigger than that. Not that I don't have respect for doctors, medicine, etc.... I just happen to know that my creator is not limited to science and numbers and studies and such. THAT is what I need to keep my eyes on. (which again is where your prayers can help) The MINUTE I let my focus stray to the cancer and the realization that it's in me!!! I freak. Fear overwhelms me, I cry... but then the minute I get my focus back on God... and how GOOD he is and how MERCIFUL he is and how he loves us SOOOO deeply and is moved by what we go through and how all I want to do is fulfill his purpose through this and make him proud, I feel his peace. I still worry about it. I still find myself breaking down at random moments in the day when I have a moment of privacy.
One more thing you can pray for. Kind of a silly thing to worry about right now when I just need to win this battle first :) but it's on my heart. I've been told I may be infertile after this experience. There's a chance I won't, but a chance I will. And it's never easy to hear that you may no longer have that opportunity to have one more sweet baby. I never thought Jonas would want another anyway since he was surprised and never ready with the first two :) but before we knew I had lymphoma (when we heard about the mass) he admitted to me that he didn't think he was done having kids. This is HUGE for him to say. A MIRACLE! :) But then we were told of the possibility of infertility, and it just hits me sometimes. I had always thought I'd want to try one more time, hopefully for a girl :) (I'm sure it would be a third boy) but to know this may be taken from me is really tough. And just this week Hunter randomly asked me if we could please have a baby sister and said he was going to ask God for that. The timing of his comment kind of broke my heart. I know it's not a no yet... but there's that chance. So, would you pray that IF IT'S GOD'S WILL he'd save a healthy little egg of mine? :) for after this process? (wouldn't hurt if it was a girl :) but I'll be happy with any healthy baby!) And if it's not his will for us to have more, that he'd take away the desire from our hearts. I do trust God. And I THANK him for the two surprises we had just in time.... His timing really is perfect. So, those are just my thoughts on that. Kind of personal, but hey.... we seem to be putting it all out there anyway for everyone :).
Thanks again for praying. Please don't stop. I need your prayers. Every day is a challenge whether it's physically or emotionally. And I need people to believe with me for healing with NO relapse!!
Off to shower and see if any hair falls out :) Still nothing yet!!
I'll leave with this perfect reminder.
Jeremiah 32:27 "I am the Lord, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?"
Jeremiah 32:17 "Ah, Sovereign Lord, You have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you."