Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Having a vulnerable day (Becky)

I just now read what Jonas wrote as his last blog...sigh....I have tears in my eyes. But sadly I, too, had felt that same thing with him. I didn't know how much I loved him until all of this happened. I had such a bitter view on things...focused on failures all the time...kept thinking of what I WISH he would be doing instead of appreciating the person he WAS being. We must have kind of lost our way a little bit within our relationship. Not that it was bad!! But we were in such a rut I think...we didn't even know we were missing out! So I,too, thank God for allowing this trial to open our eyes to each other again. The fact that I can fall in love with my husband again after 11 years... and learn things about him I never knew existed is exciting! And thank God we are discovering this now while our kids are young so we can model for them a truly, appreciative, loving couple and hopefully that they will learn to trust God through all trials. With a joyful heart too.

But that's not what I was going to write about tonight :). Today was kind of an emotionally tough day for me and as always, I could use your continued prayers. Physically I've been feeling great lately!! 100% me! Full of energy... loving it! But even though I feel great, my blood count is low today and I've been told to stay home for a few days and avoid people/crowds since I'm so susceptible to germs and infections right now. Bummer. But I had a doctor's appointment today and although Jonas left feeling it was a good meeting, I left freaked out. (which is where your prayers can help me out) :). I found out that the PETscan revealed some cancerous spots in my nodes in my throat and some in my lung as well as the mass I knew about in the sternum area. Just knowing it's IN my lung... spread some in my throat... not comforting!! (it's not lung cancer, still lymphoma... still stage 4...still treated same way) But they said because it's not in just once location, I have a higher chance of it coming back after remission and treatment. And that if that happens the prognosis isn't that good. (at least I think that's what the guy said). So of course, little worry wart me freaks out about how i may make it through this trial (I WILL make it through this trial) but what if only to find out in a few years it's back and I have to go through this all over again...and what if my body is too weak to do it again? How can I live my life always in fear that it could reappear? (all questions that I find myself worrying over, but in my heart I know I just need to trust God) I asked them what the percentage was of someone like me having it come back again in the future but as they're doing the numbers and sharing the studies with me and giving their medical opinion, I realized what a silly question that can be. Because it doesn't matter what the numbers are. I know God is bigger and can do WHATEVER he wants. They could tell me it's terminal cancer... yet God is bigger than that. Not that I don't have respect for doctors, medicine, etc.... I just happen to know that my creator is not limited to science and numbers and studies and such. THAT is what I need to keep my eyes on. (which again is where your prayers can help) The MINUTE I let my focus stray to the cancer and the realization that it's in me!!! I freak. Fear overwhelms me, I cry... but then the minute I get my focus back on God... and how GOOD he is and how MERCIFUL he is and how he loves us SOOOO deeply and is moved by what we go through and how all I want to do is fulfill his purpose through this and make him proud, I feel his peace. I still worry about it. I still find myself breaking down at random moments in the day when I have a moment of privacy.

One more thing you can pray for. Kind of a silly thing to worry about right now when I just need to win this battle first :) but it's on my heart. I've been told I may be infertile after this experience. There's a chance I won't, but a chance I will. And it's never easy to hear that you may no longer have that opportunity to have one more sweet baby. I never thought Jonas would want another anyway since he was surprised and never ready with the first two :) but before we knew I had lymphoma (when we heard about the mass) he admitted to me that he didn't think he was done having kids. This is HUGE for him to say. A MIRACLE! :) But then we were told of the possibility of infertility, and it just hits me sometimes. I had always thought I'd want to try one more time, hopefully for a girl :) (I'm sure it would be a third boy) but to know this may be taken from me is really tough. And just this week Hunter randomly asked me if we could please have a baby sister and said he was going to ask God for that. The timing of his comment kind of broke my heart. I know it's not a no yet... but there's that chance. So, would you pray that IF IT'S GOD'S WILL he'd save a healthy little egg of mine? :) for after this process? (wouldn't hurt if it was a girl :) but I'll be happy with any healthy baby!) And if it's not his will for us to have more, that he'd take away the desire from our hearts. I do trust God. And I THANK him for the two surprises we had just in time.... His timing really is perfect. So, those are just my thoughts on that. Kind of personal, but hey.... we seem to be putting it all out there anyway for everyone :).

Thanks again for praying. Please don't stop. I need your prayers. Every day is a challenge whether it's physically or emotionally. And I need people to believe with me for healing with NO relapse!!
Off to shower and see if any hair falls out :) Still nothing yet!!

I'll leave with this perfect reminder.
Jeremiah 32:27 "I am the Lord, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?"
Jeremiah 32:17 "Ah, Sovereign Lord, You have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you."


  1. Thank you so much for your honesty. I have no stories to say that I relate or I know what you guys are going through. Nope I cannot even relate or imagine. But we know the same God. Amazing, all powerfull, caring, loving, peaceful, protective, Father all wrapped up in One. This place in time we have been put in is like no other. I have never met you but can speak to the Father on your families behalf. God is so God.

    We are in the process of adopting our 5th child. I know that it would be ultimate for you to bear a child. I of course will pray that way as that is your hearts desire. Our child came by way of not having a family who adored and loved him, blessing however method they come. I never thought that I would have the honor of adopting, but God saw to it that we were able to. In fact I said there is NO way I am adopting through the state, LOL, but God had other plans. And oh boy am I so glad I allowed Him to work His perfect will for our family.

    Thank you for sharing your story. Your life has already touched many.

  2. I can identify with the rut. Dave and I have been married for 11 years as well and it's it's a common occurrence to feel how you described. It took a crisis of our own to own our eyes. I pray they stay opened.

    As for the cancer, you are taking this exactly how I imagine I would. There is such a lack of control over what is happening that it would cause "freak out mode" to kick in. I'm praying for you. I am sad that you have to walk this path. I am hopeful that you will come out on the other side of this trial healthy and even still fertile.

    I don't know you, my husband Dave was on the band scene with Starrdadu, and i was at shows. I think I saw FWJ a couple times all of that to say that with as little as I know you, i will be praying very hard for you and your precious family.

    Your post made me think of the song "How He Loves" by John Mark McMillan.

  3. Hello Becky,
    You don't know me but I have been watching your husband's posts through my son's group page on FB. My heart goes out to you, & I have been praying for you. I can relate to you as I am a breast cancer survivor for 3 1/2 years now. If you don't mind I would like to share a small bit of my story with you.
    When I was diagnosed with the breast cancer in my left breast, after many biopsies & mris, they wanted to do an ultrasound & biopsy of my lymph nodes under my arm, the doctors were more concerned with my lymph nodes then with the actual tumor in my breast. Well the day before, my mother & I were in church, we went up to the altar & prayed. We prayed hard. All of a sudden, both of us got an overwhelming sensation that everything was going to be ok, that I would receive a miracle. When I went in to the hospital the next day for the ultrasound, the doctor could not figure out why they were concerned with my lymph nodes. He said that they were perfectly fine. I knew at that moment that God had given me a miracle. He would not take away my cancer, but He would prevent it from spreading. It was at that moment that I was at complete peace. I gave my cancer up to Him, & He took it out of my hands. I never had so much faith in God before, but He completely covered me with His love & grace. I just knew that no matter what was going on He would take care of me. See if it were up to me, I would have freaked out completely, just as I did when I first found out. My husband actually helped calm me down, & he was such a great comfort. My love for him has grown so much more through all of it. It is so hard on the spouse, when you have cancer. All they can do is sit back & help you through the situation that has been placed upon you. My husband was so amazing, as I know yours is as well, by reading his posts.
    We had many setbacks in the next 2 1/2 years with chemo, mastectomy of my good breast, & many surgeries of reconstruction. But I knew God is ever powerful & that He was in control of the situation. Anytime I found myself weak & giving into freaking out, I just prayed & I could feel God's healing power flow through my veins.
    I would say that the lowest point of all of that, was when I stood in front of the mirror before my last chemo treatment, bald from head to toe with one breast & a horrific mastectomy scar. I still look back at a picture of that time, & I weep, & I can't believe that it happened to me, & that I actually survived it. It was really hard as well when my hair first started to fall out. It started with my pubic hairs one day at work, every time I went to the bathroom, the toilet would be full of hair. I went home & shaved my head, because it was very hard to take watching my hair fall out. I didn't expect that, even though the doctor had fully prepared me for it, I just wasn't prepared for that. Another thing that helped me tremendously get through that time was my amazing support system. It is so important to have people around you that help you through this time. Whether it be to pray for you, to help you out around the house or with your kids, or just to talk to. Your attitude is so very important, you have to keep a positive attitude, because once you let the reality of what is happening settle in, it is so easy to freak out. God is so amazing, He is our healer, our provider, our lover & our father. He will take this burden from you, you just have to have faith in the knowledge that He can & will help you through this. I was given a second chance at life, He gave me a gift, a miracle & it has changed how I look at life now. I am not afraid of life anymore.
    I apologize for babbling on, but I just wanted to let you know I was praying for you. When I think of you, I keep hearing the song, "Thank you for Hearing me" by David Crowder. God bless you & heal you Becky.

  4. Dearest Becky...

    Just found out about your health issue from our friends Rozanne & Vince (Montana). We corresponded back and forth a year ago about your beautiful/creative purses. Rozanne shared this link with me so I could also join the prayer chain.

    I too have been challenged in this area of cancer. My mother was stricken with breast cancer years ago. As I read your posts I couldn't help but remember those years of fear, anger, questioning God, doubt, confusion, depression, and lack of faith. A journey our entire family wasn't ready to take. But as I look back on that time in my life I see the amazing grace and mercy that God poured over all of us, especially Mom. Through it all Becky I can honestly say...God is who He says He is, remember that, He's faithful to us and He truly is in control of our lives. His purposes are not ours, (a hard lesson) but true. As I read your words my spirit felt encouraged, you Love the Lord with all your heart, and you're choosing to trust in Him no matter what the circumstances are. Of course you'll have your moments, understandable, and it's okay, God knows every thought, emotion, and need you have, He will provide, He promises.

    Like others, I feel privileged to join in prayer and stand with you and Jonas in the fight of "your" life and know that our Heavenly Father is with you and is holding through this difficult season.


  5. Becky, you and your family are for sure in our prayers! While I can't say I unrest and what your going through with the cancer, I can say we have been there through the infertile route. It is a whole struggle between head knowledge (health, adoption, already have two kids) vs your heart struggles (not wanting the option to bear more children to be taken away). We prayed and went through many years of fertility treatments beforour triplets were born. Through that process we learned a lot about options! I don't know if it's too late, but a question you could ask your doctor is about doing an egg retrieval now and have them frozen for later in case. They don't age, they stay the same age as when harvested. That could be an option you ask your doctor!

    Again, we are praying for you guys!!!

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  7. Becky, I knew in highschool that you were a beautiful person, inside and out. But when we reconnected on Facebook and I saw your pictures from your wedding and of you and your children, I kept thinking, "she gets more and more beautiful." And now, with every word you write, I keep thinking, "wow...she gets even MORE and more beautiful." Thank you for your beautiful witness and sweet spirit and brutal honesty. A ton of prayers being lifted for you, my dear.