Today was a good day for my beautiful bride. Nothing makes me feel better than watching her interact with the boys and look happy and healthy. As a husband, as a man, as a sinner, I find myself wanting to fix anything and everything that goes wrong in my life and in my families life. When I get tight financially I can go out and pick up a side job, if things go wrong with my house I can physically fix the issue. When my wife was diagnosed with cancer I could do NOTHING. I've never felt so useless and defeated as I did when I heard that news. I'm still coming to grips with the lack of control that I have over this situation. It's easy to say that God is in control when you have a little bit of the control still. I feel like I'm learning about myself again. I feel like I'm learning more about my wife. I'm seeing her as a vibrant, powerful warrior. She's this petite, gorgeous, sophisticated, spiritual woman, and yet she shines with such radiant power right now. She'll disagree with me on that for sure.
I led worship tonight at a small group. I felt strange leaving Becky home with the boys, even if for a short time. As I was there in the middle of worship I heard my wife's words echo in my head. Don't worry about this situation, just WORSHIP GOD because He is in control. So...I did. What a release! Coming home tonight was fantastic. Having her greet me with eyes so bright and a spirit so gentle. I guess I'm saying that I'm falling in love with all the little pieces of my wife that I didn't know I loved. I actually felt a sense of gratefulness tonight. I actually thanked God for this process. Without this cancer, I wouldn't have known how amazing my wife truly is. What a shameful thing for me to type here, but it's true. She has gone on being amazing but I haven't recognized it like I should have. Thank you Jesus for this trial. I will not waste it.