It's official!!!

After 6 long months I finally got the news I've been praying for... I AM NOW 100% CANCER FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's been an emotional day for me because I can still remember THE DAY I found out about my large tumor; can remember how scared I was; can remember the images I had in my mind of my babies growing up without their mama... I still cry every time I think of it. And now here I am, on the other side of it. Finally. Healed. Healthy again. PRAISE YOU JESUS! He had given me a peace in the beginning that I would be fine at the end of this and now I am :)

     But i'm just human. And just as I predicted, that feeling of fear of the future is creeping into my mind. My doctor I'm sure felt he needed to be honest and give me the truth about what COULD happen in my future but it sure didn't help me to hear it. I have a 50/50 chance of it coming back. (I don't like those odds). And if it comes back, I have to undergo an intense treatment of chemo that involves a stem cell transplant and it's risky and could be fatal. I think my odds of surviving that procedure would be above 50/50 but still.... a scary thing to hear about. And then he asks if we're going to go celebrate :) Instead I got into the car and sobbed! I'm sure my emotions are just a wreck, being a mixture of happy and sad, but it's so hard for me to feel like celebrating when I hear about what could happen. But how STUPID of me to be focusing on that and not on the healing God has given me!
One more thing that the doctor said that was a hard thing to hear... I was asking about what the process would be for us IF we decided we wanted to try for another baby someday (and I'm undecided on that right now) but he said his advice to us would be to consider that there is a possibility that I could always be in the unfortunate percentage and would we want to consider bringing a baby into the world if I have the chance of not making it. He was trying to be helpful, I know, in presenting all the factors and risks for our future and our decisions....but that was NOT a conversation I needed.
     So I'm needing a little bit of time to process this. I AM thrilled that I am healthy again :)! I THANK GOD I have more time with my boys and with Rob. I AM SO THANKFUL for everyone who's cared to pray for me. Instead of pretending the worst case scenario can't happen to me or won't happen to me, I want to be able to face that possibility but without fear. I want to be able to look the possibilities in the face and say with confidence that I still serve the same God and nothing is too difficult for Him. And His ways are bigger and better than mine. I can trust Him even when I don't understand why things go a certain way. And I know He loves me. But I'll be honest, tonight I'm struggling. Tonight I'm dealing with guilt for not feeling like celebrating just yet, dealing with fear of the worst case scenario, dealing with confusion as to why I'm going through this, and dealing with feelings of being overwhelmed. Once again I need to grab onto God's peace and NOT LET GO. It's a daily struggle to lay down my worries and anxieties and to keep my focus on Jesus and to TRUST.
      Why on earth was it so easy for me to have that peace and confidence when I HAD a tumor and didn't know the outcome...and yet now I'm 100%cancer free and I'm shaken because of the what if's in my future? How easy I can lose my focus. How quickly I can allow fear to rob my joy.  I KNOW that in the beginning I felt such peace because I had SOOOO many of you praying for me. So I'm asking you to PLEASE keep praying for me to continue to feel God's peace as I now walk into the unknown. :) And  OF COURSE please pray my family stays cancer free!!!!!!!!!
    No matter what we're all in God's hands. And it really does boil down to whether or not we trust God with our lives. No matter how scary circumstances get or how bad news can be, do we trust Him? Is He good or not? I believe He is. I KNOW He is.
    I'm sure tomorrow I"ll be in a better place...a happier place :). Because I do believe a celebration is needed! Again, thank you all for your prayers and for caring for us and sharing with us. I'm sure we'll continue to blog updates and random thoughts.
Including a picture of my last day at the hospital! (getting my paperwork ready to have my port taken out next week).

Long overdue but happy!

I just realized HOW LONG it's been since we've updated our blog. Sorry!

I'll be honest... I kept waiting for Jonas to write something because I found myself in a place of real discouragement and didn't feel like I had anything uplifting or helpful to write. I didn't want to come across as contradicting everything I had previously written.....but I was finding myself OVERWHELMED. Strange how I started out my journey full of peace and confidence and assurance (I'm sure also due to all of your prayers!!!!) but I'm ending my journey overwhelmed and discouraged. (or... I WAS feeling that way a few weeks ago, but I believe things have changed and my focus is back where it needs to be). I guess it started when I had heard the news about my mom. It was just one of those blows that once again reminded me that we are NOT immune to danger, sickness, etc. I used to feel SO naively safe from all harm until, of course, it hit me. And then my mom. (by the way, my mom is doing well. She had a successful lumpectomy and will be starting chemo possibly next week and after maybe 6 cycles will then have radiation. Pray, please, for her to not feel much pain with all the pricks of shots and chemo treatments. And that she'll also adjust well to losing her hair, which is never an easy thing to face.)
   Then it was as if every day we were hearing bad news....one after another...to friends and family. Cancer, divorces, health problems, death....I felt like attacks were flying at us and near us from all angles and I became so fearful! I was so afraid something else was going to hit my little family. I started focusing on all of the bad around me, all of the scary, negative news and I felt like I was sinking. I was an emotional wreck! And it was hard for me because I've never experienced that before in my life where I was so burdened by other's problems to the point where it was driving fear into me. I felt like I was losing my footing somehow and I felt so vulnerable. BUT! It's like the story in the Bible where Peter (I hope I'm remembering this story right) :) stepped out of the boat and began walking to Jesus on water.... but as soon as he took his eyes of off Jesus and on the "fear" of the water around him, he began to sink. That's what I was doing. I lost my focus temporarily and it sent me into a place I don't want to go again! I'm not sure if it's just me, though, because several friends of mine have also expressed this same problem lately of feeling overwhelmed and fearful of the bad news happening in their lives. So maybe it's not just me.
     I also was reading in Job and was reminded of a few things that really encouraged me. First of all, I guess I was needing assurance that there IS protection in God and I read in the first chapter where Satan was talking to God about Job and how there was a hedge of protection placed around Job, preventing harm to fall on him. That was so encouraging to me! If anything breaks through (or I should say, is allowed through) that hedge of protection, it's on God's terms! And then when I was reading about the bad news that Job was hearing...one horrible thing right after another.... his first reaction was to fall on his knees in WORSHIP and he PRAISED GOD! Which reminded me of that first gut feeling God gave me at the begining of all of this. I remember hearing that I had cancer and my first instinct was " I need to praise God."  Just as Job was feeling overwhelmed and discouraged by the horrible events that happened to him, his first reaction was the right one and somehow I lost that direction the past month. So I'm refocusing and trying to remember NOT to focus on the bad around me... but to focus on God and the blessings he's given me in my own situation. And to praise Him and know that I CAN trust Him even when I feel like I'm confused, overwhelmed, discouraged, etc.
 
Our good news is that I had my LAST SESSION OF CHEMO this week!!! It's done! I still have the lovely poison going through my body this month, so I don't feel any different, but I think it'll hit me that it's over with next month when I don't have to go back for more. I DO want to celebrate but I'm cautiously waiting for the results of my next PETscan in 6 weeks. And again, please pray that I don't have that haunting thought in the back of my mind that it all may come back. I want to say "I'M DONE WITH CHEMO FOR GOOD!" but there IS that small voice that then follows up with "but are you really?" It's hard to celebrate when you can't seem to shake that little voice. So I'd appreciate your prayers with COMPLETE health for the future (no lymphoma, no breast cancer since that's now something in my family history... etc) and no fear as I live out my life.

This verse was encouraging to me. "The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deuteronomy 31:8

Side note: For the past month and a half my hair has been growing back! About a quarter of an inch or so... I was so excited! and with the past 2 treatments it wasn't falling out! But... I've noticed with the last  and final treatment, it's starting to fall out again :(  I'm hoping it grows back quickly. And lusciously :)

Thank you for your continued prayer! I still need it :)
Becky

I've had enough of cancer! more prayers needed

I just got a call from my mom today informing me that she has breast cancer.

URGH! Now I'm on the side of stressing and worrying over someone I love dealing with this. It's different when you're the one going through it. I kept thinking "Thank God it's me and not anyone else in my family! I don't think I could handle the stress of it happening to a family member" but... apparently now I have to once again remind myself of how big God is and how he is still above cancer. My mind tries to panic me into thinking that breast cancer is so much more serious than my lymphoma, but nothing is too big or scary for God. God has been healing me of my form of cancer and he can do the same with my mom if he chooses, and I pray that she will FULLY recover QUICKLY! PLEASE pray with me for that. And for WISDOM for the doctors (one of her doctors had told her she could wait a few months to see if maybe her mysterious cyst area was cancerous or not and I'm SO glad she decided to go ahead and get the biopsy and not wait!) She says she's not afraid of cancer. And a lot of that has to do with me having gone through my journey and she sees that I'm fine and not as horrible as it could have been. Everyone's journey will be different but I'm glad she's feeling peace! That helps me feel peace. But she IS afraid of pain. She has a very low pain tolerance and is more concerned about the pain from surgery, procedures, etc... so as little as that might seem, please do pray that she doesn't feel that much pain. We've been SOOOO blessed with people who have donated to us and helped us cover our finances and bills due during our time, so please pray that God will provide for their EVERY financial need as well. It's never easy on a missionary's budget. I know they have a wonderful, caring church family that I trust will surround them and help them as needed just as our church family helped us out. And I thank you all in advance for covering my mom in prayers too! Man am I sick of hearing of cancer popping up everywhere! But God is still worthy of our praise. He can still make something beautiful out of this, even if we never see it. I trust Him.

I'm including a picture of my mom and I. (and Hunter)
- Becky

Good News all Around by JONAS

It's been a while since we've posted on here.  I'm sure that can be torture but truthfully life started to fall back to normal for a while.  Becky has been feeling really healthy lately.  She is still handling the chemo with relative ease.  She still has dizzy spells from time to time but only 4 to 5 days after her doses.  We're going into her 6th chemo session tomorrow. She'll have 2 more after that!!!! Wow, that's amazing how fast it has gone by.  Please continue to pray that she gets through these sessions easily.  We feel so blessed to have you all praying for us as we drudge through this journey.

THE GOOD NEWS is (insert drum roll).....Becky's last Dr. appt showed that she was 99.99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999%  CANCER FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  The Dr. saw some inflammation from the chemo.  He's confident that it is not cancer but he, of course, won't take any chances.  So she is going to finish out her schedule chemo sessions.  We are over the moon about this news.  It has taken such a huge weight off our shoulders.

NOW PLEASE PRAY THAT IT NEVER RETURNS.  This will be the unfortunate burden that we'll carry from here on out.

This past weekend we spent our Saturday night performing at a benefit concert for a family in need.  We had a blast performing and ministering to a full house at "the Stable" in Chelmsford, MA.  Turns out that the entire night was orchestrated by our friends Kurt and Stefani to benefit US!  What?!!!  I thought we were playing a concert for some "other" family.  Weird moment.  We felt so blessed.  Wow, we love you all.

Here are few little snipits into our lives here at the Woods house.  Hunter turned 5 years old the other day.  What an awesome milestone.  Becky and I are shocked that we have a 5 year old.  NUTS.   Liam has learned to kiss with his lips smacking.  It's adorable as he kisses basically everything now.  Becky's hair is working super hard to grow.  Despite the chemo Becky has almost one inch peach fuzz all over her head.  It's pretty funny how it's fighting so hard to grow.  She's adorable as usual.

I broke down after being pressured by Becky and the kids to buy Christmas deer antlers and a big red nose to go on our vehicle.  To be honest, it's hard not to want to crawl into a hole when I'm driving it around.  They love it though.  I guess it's all about the memories.  I'll certainly remember this one.  This one will be logged in my brain as "the year Dad was made to feel stupid."  MMMMMM, good times.

Thanks for your continued prayers as we get through this next season and into the Spring.  The Dr. told us that Becky would be good to start to tour again with me in March.  This is HUGE news!  Becky, with exception to a few shows here and there, hasn't sung with me for almost 6 months.  (Shameless plug)  help us find concerts so that we can hit the road hard when March rolls around.  We are back to music full time but need help to keep us there in full time ministry.  We're traveling with the kids.  We just can't wait.

Please have an amazing Christmas season!!!!!

JONAS

Petscan tomorrow!

This won't be long... just a couple thoughts.

Tomorrow is my next petscan, where they'll be able to see how much of the lymphoma is left. I doubt I'll know the results until next week but we'll keep you all posted. I'm really hoping for great news.

I've realized something about myself, though.... which may have affected why I was feeling so emotional (in my previous blog) about reaching my half way point with chemo. I think there's a part of me that's nervous to reach the end of all of this (all my chemo and treatment)... a part that doesn't want to hear that it's all gone and we're all done ONLY BECAUSE then starts the lifelong dread of waiting to hear if the cancer comes back. I know, I know... a twisted way of looking at the end of this. And pointless. And it only brings unnecessary worry and of course all along God is trying to teach me NOT TO WORRY and to put it all in His hands, so what good is choosing to take on the burden of fear and worry when I don't need to? But it was just one of those strange realizations I had about what I was truly feeling... I wasn't sure why I felt discouraged at my half way point and I really think that is a part of it. I want to celebrate (and I will) when I hear it's all gone (and it will be!) but then I'd appreciate the prayers to continue for my peace of mind to be able to live without worry and without constantly thinking of the lymphoma coming back.

But anyway. I've been feeling GREAT lately. Funny how I can feel so low and then the next day feel totally fine and normal. I'm sure thanks to prayers :) I'll admit I'm tired of being bald. It was kind of freeing at first and it's nice that I never have a bad hair day...but I'm kind of tired of feeling like an alien. I miss hair. (but watch, as soon as my hair grows back I'll miss the simplicity of being bald) :) I'll wear my wig occasionally and feel feminine and as soon as I take it off I feel like I remove my gender. It's weird. Poor Liam seems a little confused :) He sees me putting on and taking off my hair and I saw him the other day tugging so hard at his hair as if he was trying to take his off too ;) Too cute.

By the way, thank you to those who have left encouraging comments to our blog posts. We read all of them and they DO encourage us. We feel very loved by all of you.
Becky

Live Life -Jonas

Today we voted.  We did our duty as American Citizens and we feel great about it.  I'm really in love with my wife.  With everything that has been going on it has been hard to connect as much as we had hoped.  The kids are obviously a full time job.  Their growing up so fast and their interacting so much with us.  We both love it!  But...it does have an effect on our closeness.  I don't want to drift away from the love of my life ever again.  The harsh realization that came the night we discovered that she had cancer was that I needed to love better.  I've been working very hard on that.  We certainly have come so far to a place where we both are head over heels for each other.  It's kind of gross.  LOL  But the enemy wants to tear us apart.  We notice it here b/c we're in the middle of this crisis but every marriage is under attack.  Marriage was established by God.  It's an institution that is founded on the principles of God and His church.  Therefore we can only expect that the enemy is going to work hard on breaking it apart.  Looking at the statistics of divorce in our country shows that enemy has done a pretty good job.  We have been so stressed about our finances, even though un-believable gifts have been given to us. You know how it goes if you breath, LOL, bills just keep coming.  I do not want our petty, lack of trust in an amazing God, to un-hindge our relationship.  No matter where you are in your lives please don't allow your relationships to fail because of simple neglect.  Love is eternal and carries such weight.   Don't wait until you're brought to your knees by a scary situation.  You can love now, you can show your partner that you are not going to allow the circumstances of this life to destroy the institution that God established for your life.  You deserve JOY, PEACE, and LOVE.  Really living life will result in a change of your perspective.  It certainly has started to change mine.  Looking forward to hearing all that God is doing amongst you all.  I know He's doing something.

I say all of this to say...I love my wife. :)

-JONAS

My struggles- Becky

I don't know what it is about the past week, but I'll admit I've struggled. I've felt a little more nausea this time around, although I wasn't sick or anything. I just had that constant gross feeling in my chest that made me JUST miserable enough to not enjoy my day. But honestly, when I think of how small that side affect is compared to what so many people experience with their chemo, I feel like a fool for complaining. But since this is my blog :) I'm going to be honest with what's been hard for me, regardless of how minor it probably is. And I'll be honest, I've had a tough week with not feeling great and then feeling almost depressed for no apparent reason.

I had a shot given this past week to help keep my immune system a little stronger since my count went down to zero last cycle. They warned me I could get flu like symptoms and maybe achy with the shot and honestly it's not been bad at all. I did have a few achy moments but nothing awful. It's just when the minor achy-ness piles up with the minor nausea I've been feeling, plus the lack of sleep, plus the emotional unbalance I've had lately...all at once! And let's discuss my emotional unbalance while we're at it. My poor husband.... I have been a wreck lately with feeling weepy for no good reason. I guess it didn't help that last night when I sat down all excited to have a night to myself and looked forward to watching Say Yes to the Dress that the episode was about the salon owner discovering she had cancer. I cried through the whole show. I think I was needing some kind of an excuse to release my emotions anyway, since so much of my time is spent with my kids and I feel I need to keep it together for them. Although, most of the time I don't feel like I have the need to cry. It surprises me with how the tears come so easily when I'm alone. So lastnight's girl night (Jonas was at a Chris Tomlin concert) turned out to be a rather depressing night of tears and puffy eyes and tons of kleenex. I slept horribly lastnight as well, not sure if that was due to the thoughts that started swimming around in my head after going to bed with cancer on my mind or if it was the steroids I've had to take... or the mild achy-ness keeping me up, but restless nights are miserable. Today I was so stir crazy and so tired of my routine.... I went up to Jonas and passionately expressed to him, "I am OUT OF MY MIND bored and it's making me crazy inside! I literally feel angry over how bored I am and I want to break into tears!" He just blinked at me with a very confused, concerned look on his face. Probably afraid of what my steroids would say next. :) So I got out of the house for a couple hours and somehow managed to find my happy self again. Or a somewhat happier version of me. I admit, I'm still moody and at risk of breaking into tears at ANY second over ANYTHING. Be warned.

Here's the thing. I KNOW that in order to keep the doubts away, in order to keep my mind from feeling anxiety, in order for me to avoid allowing depression sneak in, and in order for me to feel close to God and to be reminded of his purpose for me through all of this I NEED to be in His WORD! I need to be spending time with Him! But am I? Not like I need to be. I will try to dwell on the encouraging scripture that friends and family pass on to me but that's not enough. If I want to know Jesus better each day and feel his presence and feel like my focus is in the right spot and feel His peace, I need to stop giving my silly excuses (like being too tired, like being too busy with kids and babies) and start disciplining my time better and prioritizing my relationship with God! How interesting it is when a "tragedy" first happens to you how quickly you run to God and know exactly what you need to do, but then as time passes and things ease up and seem a little more normal, God starts taking a back seat again to life. I get so mad at myself every day for allowing this pattern to continue when I KNOW BETTER! It reminds me of one of the most confusing verses in the bible :) I'll just recap some of it:

"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.........As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no , the evil I do not want to do- this I keep on doing......" (Rom 7:15-20) And so on!!

I don't want to waste this time and this journey that I"m on. I want to grow and learn more about God and how good He is and what higher purpose He has for us through this. I want to be transformed and taken past my fears and doubts. I want to be an example to my kids of a GODLY parent that is always modeling for them a passion for Christ, even in my quiet moments at home and with how I choose to spend my time. So you can pray for that for Jonas and I. And please pray for my emotions to KNOCK IT OFF and return to normalcy :) so that I don't struggle with moments of numbness or moodiness. I want and need the joy of the Lord to fill me and I could use prayers for me getting my priorities on the right track again concerning spending time with THE SOURCE of joy.

 I thought once I reached the half way point of my treatment I'd feel thrilled but instead I almost feel overwhelmed that I still have all that time left to go before I'm done. And, I'm still trying to pray against the fear of it coming back. I KNOW people have encouraged me with how they had their cancer come back but fought it again and are now cancer free, but I DO NOT want to hear the word cancer again in my future EVER! I'm trying to give this worry up to God completely but it's hard for me.

Anyway. I'm starting to ramble. Thank you again for praying. I need it. This time might be more of an emotional struggle for me but I so appreciate your prayers for me feeling great and staying happy and positive.

Becky